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Has a hard time sharing an object or toy set

Has a hard time sharing an object or toy set

Before You Begin

Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.

 

Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you. 

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Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.

The Core Problem

They fear that giving away or having the object taken from them guarantees that the fun will stop.

What Will Make It Worse

Forcing the child to share will only validate their fears, make them feel threatened, and increase their resistance.

What The Child Needs

1. Motivation for shared play: Help them to experience what it feels like to be a good friend and care for those around them - e.g. "Your cousin hasn't had anything to play with for a while and the expression on her face is pretty sad. Can you share your bubble wand with her for a few minutes and then she will give it back to you? She will be so happy you did that for her!"

Additionally, get the child to see that the fun of what they are playing with can be heightened by joint play - e.g. "Why don't you team up with John and both use the train track pieces to make the most amazing race track for Hot Wheels cars that has ever been done!"


2. Positive reinforcement: Offer positive reinforcement and recognition when the child makes an effort to share or take turns. Praise their efforts to be kind and considerate towards their friend.

How To Have The Conversation With Your Child

Unlike most other parenting challenges, correcting this behavior in the moment is the best course of action.

Using a calm but firm tone, hit one or both of the motivational elements covered in the first pointer under "What The Child Needs".

Ideally, you can reframe the situation in their mind to where they see it as gaining something by sharing, rather than giving anything up.

If it helps ease the hand-off, express empathy and understanding for their hesitation to share and assure them that they will get it back. They are not giving it away forever.

When they do cooperate, make a verbal acknowledgement (e.g. "That was so good that you handed the doll to Jane for her to play family with!") to have them associate that action with praise and feeling good.

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