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Doesn't respond to consequences

Doesn't respond to consequences

Before You Begin

Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.

 

Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you. 

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Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.

The Core Problem

A short sighted view that if they can survive the immediate consequence then what they did wrong doesn't really matter.

What Will Make It Worse

Getting angry at them and escalating the severity of punishments will only desensitize them to bigger and bigger consequences, and do nothing to get them to want to correct their behavior.

What The Child Needs

1. To see the long-term damage they are doing to themselves: Explain to the child that regardless of someone giving them a reactionary punishment, there will always be inherent consequences to their poor decisions/actions that will matter deeply to the child. Those around them may not being able to rely on them or trust them, the guilt from someone getting physically or emotionally hurt, and/or their standing, grade, reputation, status dropping.

2. To feel a stronger connection to those they are affecting negatively: Put a big effort into making them feel like a valued member of the family, team or group so that the child feels a desire to hold themselves to higher standard to stay in good standing, and feels a sense of regret and urge to make amends for their poor behavior.

How To Have The Conversation With Your Child

Find a place free of distractions where the child will feel comfortable talking freely.

Begin the conversation calmly, expressing that you have noticed more and more they don't care about the consequences of what they're doing. [Give examples]

Agree empathetically that they are in a stage of life where it must feel like everyone is telling them what they can and cannot do, and what is going to happen to them if they do something wrong - but explain if they can show that they have learned right from wrong, and are choosing good decisions over bad, they will earn more freedom and trust, and the "consequences talks" will disappear.

Genuinely express to them that in this moment you are trying to speed up that process.

Ask them to have a brief conversation with you around the provided Need #1 above.

You can address Need #2 passively with them over time by bonding with them through acknowledging when they did something good or helpful and the positive effect it had on someone specific or the entire family. Hearing this acknowledgement will help cement in their mind that their actions always have an effect on others, and it is up to them whether it is a good or bad one.

Your north star for dealing with this situation is to shift the focus away from behavior change through punishment to change from perspective and connection.

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