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Copying his/her peers' bad behavior

Copying his/her peers' bad behavior

Before You Begin

Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.

 

Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you. 

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Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.

The Core Problem

Fitting in is their top priority.

What Will Make It Worse

Punishing or reprimanding them in front of their friends will not put them in an open-minded state to take what you are saying to heart, and instead make them want to do whatever behavior it takes to overshadow that embarrassing moment.

What The Child Needs

1. To find different ways to get validation from their friends: Explain to them that there are many ways to be seen as cool - being talented, a leader, having a witty sense of humor, etc. Get them to see that having to do any version of poor behavior is the worst way to earn respect.

2. To consider if those are the kind of friends they want to have: Have them think about if that is what it takes to fit in, then maybe that isn't a good group to hang out with. If bad behavior is encouraged within that group, then it is only a matter of time before they all, including your child, get into trouble.

3. To think about what matters most before acting: Point out that maintaining self respect is more important than what their friends think, and they can't have self respect when doing bad things.

4. To get a feeling of self-worth from multiple places: Besides friends and parents, a good coach, teacher, relative, and even sibling can have a big influence on your child's sense of self-worth. If you child is feeling down or disconnected, receiving a thoughtful compliment or kind words from any of these individuals will be a boost to them and prevent chasing validation.

How To Have The Conversation With Your Child

Find a comfortable place free of distractions where the child can focus on talking with you.

Begin the conversation in a calm, matter-of-fact tone, sharing that at some point every kid starts doing things they know they shouldn't to be seen as cool by their friends. Acknowledge that you have seen them doing things that they wouldn't have done on their own but did because their friends did it, and this is not okay. Tell them you will help them find better ways to get the respect of their friends.

Talk through the "What The Child Needs" pointers above in a way that is supportive and shows them that you want them to look cool in front of their peers too, but not at the cost of trying to impress the wrong people and throwing away their self-respect.

The North Star to follow in this situation is supportively getting them to learn that they can show the best sides of themselves to others and they will get the validation they are seeking the right way from the people that matter.

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