Avoids talking about certain subjects with me
Before You Begin
Pause and breathe. Even if this shouldn't be happening... accept that it is and embrace it with composure and calmness.
Calmness is the only way forward because without calm, there is no possibility for receptiveness and connection. Your child won't give to you any more than they see from you.
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Never forget that a strong connection is fundamental, as there will be no correction in them if there is no connection with you.
The Core Problem
There could be several reasons for this behavior, such as fear of consequences, insecurity, embarrassment, and/or feeling judged.
What Will Make It Worse
Reacting with anger, frustration, or coercion will escalate your child's unwillingness to talk.
What The Child Needs
1. Respect for their autonomy: The child needs respect for their growing autonomy, independence, and boundaries. Give them space to explore their own interests, find their identity, and discover the good and the bad on their own (within the bounds of not doing illegal or harmful actions).
2. To build trust in you: Show them that you can give them both space or support depending on what they need from you in the moment. Let them know that you are there and understand them, even if they want to keep some things to themselves. Also, remind them that you are available to talk and offer guidance if ever they need it. Encourage open communication by actively listening to the child's thoughts and feelings without judgment, and without immediately trying to fix/change. Provide positive reinforcement for those times they choose to engage with you or seek your support.
3. Shared interests with you: Look for common interests or activities that you can do together. Finding ways to connect over shared hobbies or experiences can help strengthen your bond.
How To Have The Conversation With Your Child
Find a time and place free of distractions where the child will feel comfortable talking freely.
Begin the conversation with empathy, expressing that you see they are avoiding talking about certain things with you, and you respect their need for privacy as that's an important part of growing up.
Next, mention that it would be helpful to hear in their own words, rather than you guessing, why they don't feel comfortable talking about some subjects with you so that you may act accordingly.
Share with them that you remember how this point in life can be really tough with all the of new challenges and unpleasant experiences to navigate. Reinforce that they can always come to you with something that is difficult or troubling them without fear that your reaction will make them instantly regret opening up. Remind them that you will always be there for them.
Close the conversation by brainstorming activities you could do together because you will be much more willing to give them space if you knew that the two of you will continue having fun times in the future.
Coming out of the conversation, follow through on giving them the space you discussed and earning their trust when they do open up to you.